By Elisabeth Bont

Staff Writer

As Jerry and Judy Schreur can tell you, ``happily ever after'' is hard work.

The couple, who have been married for over 30 years, spoke on ``The Realities of Marriage'' Wednesday night in the Phi Chi lounge.

``You're taught about love and marriage from the time you're sitting on your mother's knee,'' said Judy, who runs Raybrook Estates on Burton and leads couples conferences and humor workshops. ``She reads you fairy tales. That's your first introduction to love and marriage.''

Unfortunately, say the Schreurs, who co-authored a book on marriage called When Prince Charming Falls Off His Horse, fairy tales don't tell what happens after the wedding, and couples are often unprepared to face the realities of married life.

People often fail to realize that ``you date a persona, and you marry a person,'' said Judy.

The beginning of a marriage is beautiful and exiting because ``everything is new and fun and exploratory, and you always look for all the good,'' said Jerry, a marriage and pre-marriage councilor at Calvary Church. ``But what happens when the newness has worn off? What if the chemistry has changed?''

Affairs start and marriages dissolve because people don't understand what marriage really is, said Jerry, outlining what he calls marriage myths.

In the first place, there are no perfect matches, said Jerry, who has given personality and values tests to thousands of couples in his capacity as a marriage and pre-marriage councilor at Calvary Church. ``I have yet to come across one.''

Neither is there perfect intimacy or perfect endings, he said. Married couples must ``balance individuality and mutuality'' in their relationship and must be prepared for problems.

Most dangerous is the myth of the magic spark, said Jerry.

``Infatuation only lasts 3-18 months into the marriage,'' he said. ``Then the newness wears off.''

Searching for excitement is often the beginning of affairs and broken marriages as people move from partner to partner seeking an elusive, unexplainable spark ``that just doesn't last,'' said Jerry. ``We need to be more realistic.''

To overcome these myths, couples must move beyond attraction and infatuation to attachment, what Judy calls ``the we-ness and the us-ness of a marriage,'' making conscious choices to love and care for your spouse--even when you don't feel like it.

This demands tolerance, honesty, respect, humility, fidelity, and harmony, said Jerry. Couples will succeed if they are committed to their marriage, to communicating, to solving conflict and to spiritual wellness.

The Schreurs have had to learn this the hard way, said Judy, who married Jerry when she was 18 and pregnant and he was a recently convicted felon without a high school diploma.

``We didn't have a clue what [marriage] was supposed to mean,'' she said. ``Everyone predicted that the marriage wouldn't last.''

Although the Schreurs' marriage has survived against all odds, they recommend students keep the odds in their favor by watching for signs of danger is potential mates -- signs that the relationship is unlikely to end in a harmonious and happy marriage.

Signs include escalation (negative emotional intensity, payback), invalidation (put-downs, contempt, ignoring), negative interpretations (assigning negative meanings and motives to another's actions) and withdrawal or avoidance, said Jerry, drawing from Fighting for your Marriage by Howard J. Markman.

Although all couples experience problems, ``If these [signs] are present on a regular basis, I would question that relationship,'' said Jerry. ``This isn't going to bet better in marriage. It's probably going to get worse.

To prepare for the surprises of marriage--both good and bad, the Schreurs recommend both pre-marriage (perhaps even pre-engagement) counseling and staying single until both parties are prepared and sure.

Marriage should not be seen as a solution, said Judy. ``There is more loneliness in a bad marriage than there ever is being single.''