We would like to propose an addendum to an impending recommendation by members of the Student Life Committee to eliminate smoking from Calvin’s Campus within three years. We believe that these intrepid crusaders for a smoke-free campus have not gone far enough in their quest to eliminate all potential detriments to Christian well-being at Calvin. In addition to eliminating smoking from campus, we advocate the banning of Christian Contemporary Music.

Calvin is expressly a Liberal Arts College in the Reformed Tradition of Christianity, and as such, one of the last bastions of Christian intellectual fortitude standing against the ever-rising tide of Evangelicalism. The students who come here must be sufficiently immersed in an environment conducive to their Calvinist cognitive development. Certainly smoking is an impediment to this—no picture of John Calvin we’ve ever seen depicted him lighting up. So smoking must go. But this measure is simply not enough.

The diet-theology of bands like D.C. Talk and Michael W. Smith leave Calvin students spiritually malnourished. In the same way that offensive clouds of smoke should no longer festoon the entrance ways to Johnny’s and the Library, Calvin students should not be subjected to the off-key caterwauling of the Newsboys or the synth-laden stylings of Carman as they walk down the halls of Calvin dormitories. With their honey-coated lyrics and their ostensibly pseudo-secular attempts at ‘cool,’ these artists are actually hurting the faith by making Christians look like a bunch of limp-wristed geeks.

In addition to furthering the cause of intellectual Christianity, these recommendations will fortify another valuable aspect of the Calvin community: homogeneity. Diversity in all its forms is really rather frightening—when people think differently then ourselves we find it hard to love them as Christian brothers and sisters.

It is fitting, therefore, that the proposal to eliminate smoking be put forward entirely by the immaculate non-smokers of our Student Life Committee. We encourage these champions of everything good and decent to consider our proposed addendum.